Sunday, April 28, 2013
Dedicated to dad
So, I sometimes post about my dad on his heavenly birthday...
post in 2010
post in 2009
With this day I reflect especially on how he might have affected my present circumstances. Instead of going to China for only 6 months, I may have stayed years. I may still be there, or somewhere else abroad, working with students on English. Ooh, maybe one of those English camps in Eastern Europe!
But instead I felt too far, and so alone without that protection of knowing daddy was a phone call away. Even though I hadn't depended on that since leaving home for college, suddenly I was at a loss without it. I remember feeling so bereft those first couple years. It was my most common companion, I think, that and the sense of being alone.
I wonder what he would think of my sweetheart and how they would get along. They both have great senses of humor, and a love of barbecue, movies where things blow up on a grand scale (okay, pretty much on any scale,) and camping... I wonder what they would talk about theologically. I wish we could all go camping together and ride roller coasters at Cedar Point.
Another year has passed, and yet it's different this time. This time I have a man to hold me through the sense of loss, to depend on for car troubles, and who tells me everything is going to be alright. I had managed on my own and told myself these things, and it was alright. But I sure am glad that God has brought me another man to depend on after 7 years. He's no Conrad, but then again, his name is Zach :)
Thanks to dad, I believe men like this are for real.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Post-talk
What was surprising to me about that night of sharing (and probably not to those who read the last entry) is my focus on parents. Yes, their story is a part of my story, but my story was very much influenced by the two who raised me. Being an only child, I don't have siblings to blame :)
Anyway, tonight I have been watching some dear friends' children. Just when I thought I had attended to every possible delay mechanism, they of course came up with another. But I'm getting smarter! Kids are so very good at getting their way; these in particular are intelligently crafty. How 2 people can manage to raise children really is beyond me. As babies they require so much guidance, and are so dependent yet defiant. My favorite 2, almost-4, and 6-year-olds are at last sleeping in their beds, and I wish I were sleeping in mine as well!
The big news in life here these days is engagement pictures. At last they have arrived, and at last wedding invitations will be going out with links to view the pics.
One last, rather disconnected thought going back to the 'story'. Considering that there is a wedding imminently approaching, I have been pondering on the reality that my story is about to be drastically influenced in a way no other person besides my parents has touched me. Sometimes it scares me, and sometimes I am in awe of the fact that I am making a choice for the first time to have someone else so drastically involved in my every-day and long-term life.
That takes a lot of trust. It's baffling to me that so many people seem to trust so willy-nilly in marriage. Yet the result half the time doesn't surprise me, since people are jumping in so recklessly (at least it seems that way to me the onlooker at statistics and lives).
Whew. Trust.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Born at a young age..
I see in my story a definite theme of death even while life flames in the foreground. The Life I live in Christ is a gift I am thankful for nearly every moment, and I have been blessed since being a young child to realize and accept this. God has always been with me in my memory. I was never alone. Severe skeptics would say that memory is of an imaginary friend that I never grew out of. That's so demeaning and belittling. I can't imagine saying that to someone, or even actually thinking it of someone without knowing them well. And yet I have acquaintances who throw these combative words and ideas around like they are nothing, and have the nerve to think I'm the one being insensitive before they've even given me a chance to!
Whew. Must be tired. My apologies. Not many read this anyway.
Back to the theme of death that is so prevalent, though. The death, beginning with my great grandmother, who died before I was born. She affected my life strongly in her absence, because of her place in life as my mother's mother. My mom lost her mom when she was 28, even younger than I am now. What pain it must have been. Then when my mother became a mom, her own mother had been buried for 2 years. She had to manage without the grandmotherly presence of her mom.
I never quite realized until now how young my mom was. I was acutely aware of how old I was when my father died. I was 22. The anniversary of the day he died is nearly upon me once again. How much things change in a few years. I live in the Northwestern US, am getting married in the summer, and have called this place home for nearly 2 years now. The friends made here are solidly among the dearest and closest I have ever had, even though I have worked hard to keep a few old friends rooted in my life; these people have known me since teen years if not childhood.
Well it's plenty late. But blog posts aren't supposed to be totally polished right? The point is to be writing, at this point, since I have been doing that so seldom. Just gotta get back in the swing of things!
Hope you're having a great day :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Seasons...school's out for summer!
It's so odd to think that this is my first summer in Portland, since feels more long-term 'home' to me than anyplace since finishing high school. The community is not transient except for the grad students who might or might not be around awhile longer. My friends are a delightful mix of people in many different stages of life: with children and not, single, married, younger, older, student, well-established, and new to the area. And the many opportunities of this city and region still enthrall me.
Right now I am fighting the identity of 'student' that has attached itself to me - understandable, since I after all did become a student again. 'Is it worth it?' is a question I still ask. Making the transition from student-ness to non-student-ness is so difficult for me. It's full of baggage from the last time 5 years ago, when everything outside of me was drastically changed by my father's sudden death. The lack of a fatherly advisor is part of my hesitation, I think; hadn't thought of that before now, but it does make sense. We are never beyond desiring wisdom in decision-making, and some of us, like myself, are quite cautious because of not wanting to make a bad step.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Surreal
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Injustice
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
At least I don't look like this...

But I do feel rather crappy. Some big transitions - a new semester, roommate moving home to Uruguay, job search highs and lows, and now an achy body that's plumb wore out from the beating this introvert has put it through in the past week. So much lovely people time..but probably too much.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
The rocks cry out
Friday, January 06, 2012
What do you want?
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Finally..Dorothy Day
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Ponderings
Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountain top? It's important because it's the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you "my beloved daughter," "my beloved son," "my beloved child." To pray is to let that voice speak to the centre of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being. --Henri J. M. Nouwen
Monday, November 21, 2011
On my mind...
Who Am I? by Dietrich Bonhoeffer Who am I? They often tell me Am I then really all that which other men tell of? Who am I? This or the other?
--March 4,1946 No, I don't live in a prison cell, nor am I held captive by anyone who restricts my movements. But I do live a life where the same people see me every day, walking to classes, walking to the library, going about my daily life- even those on Facebook who see my pictures and posts; they see a person, the one trying to portray myself clearly but often in the best light possible, as we all do. Yes, I am usually joyful and easily delighted by coffee, cheese, and good bread and live music. But I am also a woman living in a body that doesn't quite look like I think it should; who isn't married like I sort of thought she might be; who feels orphaned because my dad has been gone 5 years; who hasn't committed to living in one location for more than a year since high school which tells the world I can't make up my mind. There are good and bad qualities existing in this person, sometimes an assured demeanor that is only covering up a girl scared that people will reject her. But through it all, I stand firm (and sometimes shakily) in the faith that there is someone out there so much bigger than I am; a Savior who loves me and has proven his love to me time and time again. Whoever this person is, she is loved. |
Saturday, October 22, 2011
On being an 'only'
Monday, October 10, 2011
Playing in the northwest...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Pants
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Morning Meditation
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Portland, NE style
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Wilderness Rangerness week 1
Talk about a mouthful. The bad news is there are still 7 feet of snow on the Sonora Pass, and that means it's pretty much physically impossible for us to go in as planned. It's been awhile since I wore snowshoes.
The library card count is now up to 5, I think. Sturgis, Kalamazoo, Shanghai, Cedarville, Mount Pleasant, and now a state capital one - Carson City. Somebody has a book problem. Today on the list are last week's Time magazine, possibly a movie, and possibly an Ilene recommendation.
Any other recommendations out there? After only 'working' for 10 hours a day while camping, there's a whole lot of light left for reading in the wilderness!
Just started Dakota by Kathleen Norris. Seems like an apt sort of genre for the present. Helps to inspire me to write more as well - or maybe at least to think about it more. And just finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Yes, it's true, we all should read it. I delayed, and delayed, feeling more averse the more it was recommended - it's that perverse opposite-doing bone in my body making those persnickety feelings rise.
So - recommendations?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Portland..

I'll be here a few days before making the rest of the way to my summer position as a backwoods forest ranger in Nevada!
It's an exciting trip of a lifetime. And there were only about 5 minutes of loneliness in the journey. Guess I was peopled out. There was just so much going on around me, the landscape was completely delightful, and that helped. Probably knowing I was heading toward friends didn't hurt.

Was able to visit an old college friend in Seattle for a few days, and now am with a travel buddy who is from Hawaii and went to school in Oregon but we met in Shanghai. It's nice to be a little more at rest today, doing laundry and looking for storage for the summer so that my car begins to have a little more space in it...like for a friend to sit somewhere!

It's difficult to choose a favorite image, but this one captures the opening to the badlands by hinting of a peaceful landscape but then opens up to magnificent cliffs and boulders, prairie dogs and muddy rockslides. If you want to see some multitudinous amounts of photos from the trip out west, check out my photo site: Flickr.



