Changes

I remember the days when I used to write.

I was so witty. Charming. A little full of myself (but humble, of course).

I loved the feel of crafting words into images, savoring the taste of a well-turned phrase.

Those were the days I was certain Sarah Matz was born in the wrong century. I could have been a contemporary of George Eliot, or Willa Cather, or Louisa May Alcott..

The problem with those thoughts, though, is that really I don't know that I can stand as much solitude as those women had to manage in order to get a great work of art published. And they had to endure so much more sexism. And they clearly did not have many in their lives who understood them. As for me, the publishing world is so saturated, now, with writers. They say a writer needs to write. Sometimes I don't think I do.

So I let myself get busy with other pursuits: building friendships, studying meaningful pursuits, tasting delightful travel, finding a career I might be happy doing for a long while, and even building a relationship which has turned into a marriage.

But still, I find myself longing to write. Pen to paper, fingers to keys. There is so little time in a day! I want to play, I want to sleep, I want to suck the marrow out of these precious moments.

But I also do not want to lose the memory of these days. How easily we forget that the intro to 'Days of Our Lives' is not just a cliche: "like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives." Grains of sand can't be seen in the pile that it becomes, and instead of days we see weeks, months, seasons.

The other day my husband and I had a perfect moment. It was only a couple weeks ago, but I have already almost forgotten it. There was nothing really remarkable or spectacular about it since it was just another regular daily moment, but there was something exquisite about being where I was, sitting there on the couch savoring this place in time.

So I think that means I need to write after all. Maybe there won't be any money in it. And really, who ever said I need to make money doing this? I couldn't write 8 hours a day, 5 days a week..probably.

We'll see. In the meantime, I will just sneak moments here and there to record some, and to simply enjoy the crafting of a little moment.